I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
