I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
