Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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