I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I deserve this hangover.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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