I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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