so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
