I didn't shave. On purpose
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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