It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
