i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
