Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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