Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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