Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
