I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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