Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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