So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
