I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
