The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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