Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
