dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
