I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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