I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Randomize
