I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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