i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
