Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
