probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
