And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
