I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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