my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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