Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
