New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
