I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
