I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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