im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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