I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
A+ Viking dick
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