what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
