I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
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