Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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