my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
