wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
