I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He better not be in your backpack
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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