I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
