Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
His nipple licking is glorious
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