girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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