Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Randomize
