do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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