Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
