She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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