I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize