You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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