Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
