Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
