I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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