Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
