Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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