dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
