I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
