he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
