if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
