I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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