so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
